The Madness of Grief: A Memoir of Love and Loss

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In the first instance, I really like the imperfect construction of its characters that reveal a deep humanity in each of them. He had an incongruous conversation about, of all things, the Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp with an administrator while he was registering David’s death. The great pathos about David, as an alcoholic, was that he was grimly determined to keep his drinking secret. and, later, the cheerless McDonald’s breakfasts and Costa coffees consumed while waiting on the ward.

When a postman knocks on his door, the news he delivers will cause 70-year-old Anthony Pablo Rubens to reflect on all the sadnesses and joys of the past, while he begins to prepare for the surprises of the future. Coles did have three more dachshunds – Audrey, Horatio and General Custer – but after David died, he found five were too many to look after.

The afternoon sun is coming in lower and lower through his study window and it starts to reflect off the gold disc (a relic of his time in the Communards) that’s mounted on a far wall. I remember having a terrible row with him once because I wanted Train To Busan, which is a particularly gory South Korean zombie movie, and I had to give him Legally Blonde for the second week in a row in exchange. The random paragraphs in italics throughout the book randomly referred to holidays and seemed to me like they did not fit. Listeners to BBC Radio 4, where this 59-year-old reverend can be heard presenting Saturday Live every week, as well as readers of his two books of autobiography (soon to be joined by a third, The Madness of Grief, out next month) will recognise the above as a characteristic statement by Coles.

David’s death at 42 was unexpected, the result of an underlying health condition that had caused internal bleeding.What I wanted, when I was in the thick of it, I just wanted to know if this is what other people had experienced, I didn’t want people to give me an elaborate way of doing grief, because you don’t do grief, grief does you.

They had tea, spoke for hours, and afterwards David sent a text that made plain their unspoken romantic attraction. Precisely, I’d argue, because those left behind in these cases need accounts of that first year, need to be accompanied rather than advised.

There was so much paperwork to file, so many possessions to sort through, and some wrenching tasks that had been performed, like giving away three of their five dachshunds when he realized there were too many dogs for him to look after on his own. There were moving moments and it was touching in places, but overall it was a hard going and I had to force myself to finish this. So he continues touring with his young daughter right up until the time he wanted her to walk between some swinging knives mechanism they dubbed the Sweeney Todd, until his sister, Jane's Aunty Ada, put a stop to THAT, you better believe it! It is written with depth of feeling, not leaving out the anger and frustration amongst the deep sadness. And in this book, he explains the love of his life, the former nurse, the musician, the family man, the husband, the traveller, the priest.

Coles' direct style draws the reader through his bereavement, offering an effective balance between philosophical musing and a blow-by-blow account of the day itself as well as the aftermath. What I read in another review made me think of the contrast between Jane’s coming-of-age and a world that in many ways has changed very little. After reading the first chapters I was rooting for Jane and certainly proud of her for the woman she becomes despite the traumas and heartbreaking obstacles she had to endure.I knew Coles by reputation as one of the UK’s media-friendly vicars like Kate Bottley, and I vaguely remember hearing that his partner died in December 2019, likely through others’ engagement with his announcement on Twitter. This is a book that captures brilliantly, beautifully, bravely the comedy as well as the tragedy of bereavement.