Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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I think maybe one of the most personally interesting/useful things I also took away from what I read was that attachment styles are not necessarily static/fixed, which kinda confirmed something that had been on my mind since hearing folk talk in these terms... *and* that you can fall into different styles within/in response to different relationships/how others behave within the relationship. that was I think the most relevant and timely to me at the time. Mohr, J. J., Selterman, D., & Fassinger, R. E. (2013). Romantic attachment and relationship functioning in same-sex couples. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60, 72–82. As Fern argues throughout her book, polyamory can also reveal how optional attachment is to successful relationships. In consensual non-monogamy, you can have sex and friendship without attachment—as I did with my friend—and there’s nothing wrong with that kind of relationship. You can also have attachment without sex in a romantic relationship without anyone feeling a deficit. If one or both of the partners still want sexual connections, they’re ideally free to pursue them.

The final section specifically focuses on the self and applies her entire analysis of how we relate to partners to how we relate to ourselves. This is missing from most relationship books generally, and I certainly wasn't expecting it in a book about nonmonogamy.Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms." Being the attachment figure for more than one person can risk stretching us too thin, but that doesn’t just happen in polyamory. It can happen when we have more than one child, or if our own parents become childlike in old age—and those situations can threaten attachment with partners, as our attention shifts to those in need. That’s why Fern’s lessons for holding multiple attachments can be widely applied outside of romantic relationships. If we cultivate awareness of attachment styles and the attachments themselves, then we can more skillfully manage them. Ten Brink, S., Coppens, V., Huys, W., & Morrens, M. (2021). The psychology of kink: A survey study into the relationships of trauma and attachment style with BDSM interests. Sexuality Research and Social Policy, 18(1), 1–12. The biggest hurdle of the book is getting through the first half. Fern has set a big task for herself and she has to cover a lot of starting-off ground before we can get to the meat of it. She has to make sure her reader understands Attachment Theory and then she has to make sure her reader understands Consensual Nonmonogamy. If you are already familiar, these sections are easy to skim. All products are fully recyclable and as a responsible supplier we will discuss with you your design and as part of our

Sagi, A., Koren-Karie, N., Gini, M., Ziv, Y., & Joels, T. (2002). Shedding further light on the effects of various types and quality of early child care on infant–mother attachment relationship: The Haifa Study of Early Child Care. Child Development, 73, 1166–1186. Robinson, M. (2013). Polyamory and monogamy as strategic identities. Journal of Bisexuality, 13(1), 21–38. Brennan, K. A., & Shaver, P. R. (1995). Dimensions of adult attachment, affect regulation, and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 21(3), 267–283. Klesse, C. (2006). Polyamory and its ‘others’: Contesting the terms of non-monogamy. Sexualities, 9(5), 565–583.Moors, A. C., Selterman, D. F., & Conley, T. D. (2017). Personality correlates of desire to engage in consensual non-monogamy among lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals. Journal of Bisexuality, 17(4), 418–434. Book Genre: Health, LGBT, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Polyamory, Psychology, Queer, Relationships, Self Help, Sexuality I'm not saying attachment theory is 'the way', but (along with other approaches to conceptualising people's behaviours and needs within interpersonal relationships of any kind) I think it's an interesting way to look at things that can give insights, especially into how anothers reactions and/or responses might differ dramatically from your own. For people who are new to nonmonogamy, this may give some questions to chew on, and it may be helpful to get you more oriented in the world of nonmonogamy, but it's mostly for people who are well into it and working through more than one important, emotionally committed relationship. Cubells-Serra, J., et al. (2021). Assumption of the myths of romantic love: Its relationship with sex, type of sex-affective relationship, and sexual orientation. Frontiers in Sociology, 6, 1–14.