Listen: A powerful new book about life, death, relationships, mental health and how to talk about what matters – from the Sunday Times bestselling author ... to Find the Words for Tender Conversations

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What’s the secret of communicating well? It turns out that it’s not so much what we say as how we behave, and the most important thing of all is the way we listen – really listen – to the other person. In ‘Listen: How to find the words for tender conversations’, Dr Kathryn Mannix suggests that while there is no single ‘right way’ to break unwelcome news, there are wrong ways, which are not just about the words we use. Instead of offering a script, Mannix uses stories – some from her own experiences, others fictional – to review and discuss some key principles and skills for those tasked with such difficult conversations. This book is absolutely phenomenal. I would recommend it to anyone in any role, from pastoral to medical to parenting to being a good friend. Instead, focus on listening to the other person. Listen, not to reply, but to understand. It sounds so simple, and yet it is the single most powerful thing you can do. Create a safe space, where the other person feels that they can speak their heart and be really heard. A big mistake is trying to fix the other person's problems or offer false reassurances: "If you feel 'at least' coming out of your mouth, it doesn't matter what else you're going to say. It's the wrong thing to say," Mannix said. Helping them to look on the bright side is a well-intentioned, but hopeless and potentially hurtful strategy, she said. Avoid phrases like, "At least your wife has a job" or "at least you're young enough to get pregnant again," she said.

Her book comes out at a very important time as so many have had to face ideas of mortality with the pandemic, when there are many more unwell people right now and when increasingly people are struggling with their mental health. The book is told mostly through a series of case studies that range from conversations with relatives, patients, friends and strangers too. This book is, in a way, a guide for everyday difficult conversations, but it has a very clinical approach. Mannix is a doctor, after all, and most of this book focuses on how to deal with illness and death, helping our family and friends when they're afraid as well as dealing with our own feelings. For me – well-known as a person of (inadvertently) little tact, but generally good intentions – it was extremely useful, and I hope I can put many of her suggestions into practice. In particular:I recommend ‘Listen’ – and not just for professionals whose duties require them to break bad news. It is for all of us who, at some point, may need to find the words during our own tender conversations. Be compassionate for her situation but do not make the mistake of asking yourself how the situation would affect you if she were your sister, your friend, yourself. Your own sorrows will come in good time; don't be in a hurry for them.’

It's estimated that we spend 60% of our time in conversation listening (though we all know people where it feels closer to 99%) and research has shown that we only recall 25% of what's said. Listening is something I believe I'm good at - I've completed a basic counselling course, and still remember some of the basics. I like to try and pay attention when someone is talking, trying not to interrupt and to be active and ask questions. But after reading these books, I realise that listening skills are a tool that I need to continually sharpen, and I have a lot of learning to do, and definitely need to read a few more books on active listening.

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I adore Kathryn's writing. Always sensitive, always thoughtful, an essential read for those looking to connect’Cariad Lloyd - When we're trying to talk to our teenagers and they don't want our advice, it's because we're telling, not asking." she said. "It's because we're imposing, not inviting. So this isn't just about medical conversations. This is how we deal with each other when the stakes are high and how that works in conversations right across life."

Many police officers will recall the first ‘death message’ they delivered. In chapter three, ‘Building bridges’, the author recalls running away from a difficult conversation with a patient who asked her if she was going to die. Despite knowing this was very likely, Dr Mannix replied, ‘of course not’, removing the patient’s opportunity to say goodbye to her family. The patient died the following morning.

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Here are five tips she offers to anyone who is faced with leading a challenging conversation. 1. Start with a cup of tea It is often really difficult to have ‘difficult’ (what Mannix beautifully terms ‘tender’) conversations. I think we all naturally want to be fixers so we often try to reassure the other person or say things that are far from helpful, leaving the other person feel unheard and often finding the situation they are in even more challenging. Mannix writes about the lost art of listening. How silence is not necessarily a bad thing and how to really hear what the other person is saying. I loved reading Crucial Conversations (by Kerry Patterson) a few years ago which talked about the practicalities of communicating well so people understand each other and can work well together. This one is just as brilliant, and focuses more simply on humanity. How do we break the worst kind of news to someone? How do we sit alongside someone who’s going through some tough stuff? How do we encourage our friends and family members to talk about the things that really matter without trying to fix or coerce or diminish what they’re experiencing in that moment? Getting communication right makes the difference that can make people feel heard, to understand themselves better and to encourage positive change for the future.

I think this would be a incredibly useful book for anyone caring for a loved one who is dying. To be present with them, to have the difficult conversations that nobody wants to have but are necessary; if you’re in that situation, I think you’ll find this a compassionate and necessary book. By bringing together stories with a lifetime’s experience working in medicine and the newest psychology, Mannix offers lessons for how we can better speak our mind and help when others need to. Giving a time warning is helpful if you know one or other of you needs to finish the discussion soon. “Thank you” is a good note to finish on: even in a disagreement, giving thanks for their honesty and time shows appreciation and respect. Your disagreement need not become a ruptured relationship. Look after yourself

5. Use the power of silence

This is a wonderfully practical book, well laid out and easy to read. The language is familiar and conversational, and the illustrations are a nice touch.