Declarative Language Handbook: Using a Thoughtful Language Style to Help Kids with Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood

Product Information

Gives kids a chance to discover mistakes they make without shaming or blaming (e.g., "I don't think I heard the toilet flush." instead of "Flush the toilet.")

Now that you have the tools, how can we apply these to help kids have successful interactions with each other, develop positive relationships, form friendships, and learn together? Specific topics covered include a framework for how to approach and think about peer interaction through this relationship-based lens, example natural environment and more structured activity ideas, and ways to introduce and include kids in competitive games so that they stay engaged and successful. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I love your community and I’m just really grateful to be a part of it. Phraseology and tone: subtle adaptations to our language and tone can benefit our children greatly. Using declarative language (statements, comments or observations), or rephrasing things to talk about an object rather than a person, and even simple things like starting rather than ending requests with the word ‘please’ can all make a big difference. For instance, when getting ready for school you might say “The clothes are on the bed, I’m happy to help” and then walk away, rather than “You need to get dressed now”; or if your child hasn’t had a drink all day you might just place the drink alongside them and say “Here’s a drink”. Similarly phrases such as “ I wonder whether …” and “ Let’s see if …” and including words that suggest an element of choice, such as “maybe we could …” or “a possible idea could be ….” or “I’m not sure if …” all reduce the perception of demands. Likewise it’s helpful to avoid trigger words like “no”, “don’t” or “can’t”– you can convey the same message using different terminology (e.g. “I’m afraid it’s not possible right now”) and if possible also explain the reason and offer alternatives whilst delivering the message (e.g. “I’m afraid it’s not possible to go to the park right now because there’s a storm, but we can try this afternoon when the forecast is better and in the meantime would you like to bake a cake or watch a film?”). Please see the very practical Declarative Language Handbook for more information and ideas. Why declarative language is so effective for neurodivergent children, and especially those who are demand avoidance What we can hope to see in a child or an adolescent who has been on the receiving end of declarative language

Episode Transcript

Support and self-care for you – being in touch with others who are having similar experiences can be enormously helpful and local families may have invaluable tips relevant to your area (please search our resources directory for support groups near you). It’s also important to ensure you are caring for yourself as well as possible.

To make a declarative statement, try to turn questions into comments and to rephrase commands or directions into observations. Words and phrases such as notice, wonder, think, feel, see, let's, we, I, and sometimes are great starting points. The author does a nice job putting on display concepts such as episodic memory development for children, situational awareness, patience in light of children slowly attaining concepts, framing language for children in declaratives (perhaps the obvious one) and the associated benefits, and allowing children to explore their environment/ be stewards of their own learning about the world around them. Her writing style is basic, but to the point. As such, it’s a nice light read but nothing to write home about grammatically/ you won’t be swept away by CS Lewis-level “quotables”. The theories and examples are very similar to other strong parenting works I would recommend slightly ahead of this one (although this is a nice supplement); (1) The Whole Brain Child by Siegel and Bryson and (2) Montessori Toddler by Davies.Simply put, imperative language requires a response. This can be problematic for children, especially if they have a language impairment. Examples of imperative language include: Declarative language is a comment or a statement, usually about something someone knows, observes, or thinks. Allowing plenty of time – time is an additional demand, so it’s helpful to build in plenty of time (for instance, setting alarms earlier on a school morning). Always try to plan ahead, anticipate potential challenges and allow some flexibility to accommodate fluctuating anxiety levels. Yeah, I too, have seen or noticed a sea change may be a slow one. But I started Tilt almost seven years ago now. And the landscape is so different from when I first started doing this podcast and started doing this work. And that is really exciting for me to see. And there does just seem to be a lot more openness and curiosity about how can we better support neurodivergent kids and really meet them where they’re at even just the approaches to doing that. And so it’s more compassionate is more about CO regulation, it is with more understanding of the nervous system and you mentioned fight flight or freeze response. And so it’s exciting. One of the things you talk about this being really supportive for kids who have social learning challenges, how would you define social learning challenges? A note before I begin, I read this book as someone not trained in working with Autism. The book can be reas, and I’m told be SLP’s close to me in my life, that it often is read, both for the purposes of parenting an autistic child and parenting tips broadly. Here I write about the latter although hopefully it is largely applicable to the former.*

A repeated theme in our case studies is that PDA turns “parenting norms” upside down, so our own mindset and mood are key factors in developing a toolkit of helpful approaches. Some key pointers are: Plenty of opportunity for movement e.g. scooter, trampoline, running and bike rides for those who seek plenty of movement The concept of declarative language is simple, as you will learn below. Yet, I could instantly see how powerful it was going to be to use with my both of my boys, especially my hyperlexic son, if I implemented it more. Demands make kid feel inadequate. But declarative language empowers them to feel competent, understand the world better, develop self-awareness, and self-advocate.”** Allow extra processing time so that your child can make sense of what you have said and have time to think about how to respond – it can be helpful to count to 5 in your head following a statement or request.Declarative language isn't about asking questions, making commands, or demanding someone to do something. It's about inviting them to share in an experience.