Togetherness: How to Build a Winning Team (Team Building)

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Dr. Vivek H. Murthy was confirmed by the U.S. Senate in March 2021 to serve as the 21st Surgeon General of the United States as a returning role. As the Nation’s Doctor, the Surgeon General’s mission is to restore trust by relying on the best scientific information available, providing clear, consistent guidance and resources for the public, and ensuring that we reach our most vulnerable communities As the Vice Admiral of the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, Dr. Murthy commands a uniformed service of 6,000 dedicated public health officers, serving the most underserved and vulnerable populations domestically and abroad. But there is another world. Where the hormone soup recipe is wrong and doesn’t allow us to be at our best. Clearly here is no performance benefit in this.

The general concept of the Surgeon General highlighting connections is well-intentioned. But this book is neither fish nor fowl. It's a mish-mash of anecdotes, "thought leader" advice, and "studies show" reports. For a good Surgeon General memoir, I would recommend either of the ones I've read: Koop: The Memoirs of America's Family Doctor Joycelyn Elders, M.D. : From Sharecropper's Daughter to Surgeon General of the United States of America. A recent Today article made a compelling point on how forgiveness is vital to bring us together in relationships: A lonely college student who started up conversation groups called Space Gatherings, where no cell phones were allowed and honest conversation was encouraged. A family of a bullied, disabled, young girl who died, that set up a non-profit, Beyond Differences, that has grown into a national organization with the mission to Inspire students at all middle schools nationwide to end social isolation and create a culture of belonging for everyone.Slowly we have lost touch with our primal instincts as a creeping shift has taken place from ‘our’ purpose to ‘my’ purpose with individualistic societies in the Western world. These values - getting ahead of everyone else - work against our need to belong. They push a mindset of seeing ourselves against rather than with others.

Recently I spoke with some friends who were “visually present” on a midweek connection over Zoom, but they chose to keep their video off, leaving only a blank screen showing their names. Again I tell you, if two of you on earth agree ( harmonize together, make a symphony together) about whatever [anything and everything] they may ask, it will come to pass and be done for them by My Father in heaven. Matthew 18:19 AMPC An Us story tends to connect a team to their identity. A major part of the identity story may be the way they responded at a time of adversity - for instance an emotive story from one of the World Wars. It all helps to create a deep sense of belonging and consequently a deep focus on the legacy of the current team. The New Testament Christians were compelled by God’s love and desire to be with them. They understood that they were better together – deeply connected through shared conviction, passion for God’s purpose, and a deep love for each other that changed lives and the world around them. Murthy describes a theory of three bowls of human interactions. In the first bowl, the widest, everybody needs plenty of space and attempts to operate as rugged individuals who need little to no help from anyone else. The second bowl is a collectivist culture that is very, very narrow, where the well-being of the group is paramount and everything is interconnected. The third bowl of culture, which Murthy prefers, is in the middle of the wide and narrow ones- enough space for people to feel unique, but enough connectivity so that no one feels ashamed or embarrassed about reaching out for help. This is the happy medium that seems so elusive in so many parts of life.Unlike the feeling of loneliness, which is subjective, isolation describes the objective physical state of being alone and out of touch with other people. Isolation is considered a risk factor for loneliness simply because you’re more likely to feel lonely if you rarely interact with others. But physically being alone doesn’t necessarily translate into the emotional experience of loneliness. Many of us spend long stretches by ourselves when we’re so involved in our work or creative pursuits that we don’t feel at all lonely. God’s plan to bring people together was through forgiveness. Without it, we remain apart. There are times where we may be physically present together, giving the impression that we are in “perfect harmony,” yet completely distanced from each other due to a refusal to forgive.

Relational, or social, loneliness is the yearning for quality friendships and social companionship and support. In hindsight, it is not surprising that, as a society- a global society- we are increasingly more lonely. Our brains have evolved to depend on smaller communities, and we are wired to belong to our tribes. But our lives today, for most of us, are in stark contrast to those basic evolutionary necessities. We’re increasingly more isolated, and the pervasive loneliness prevents us from forming meaningful relationships in a time where digital connectedness seemingly offers opportunities to be more connected than ever. But this book explains how being connected and belonging to a community are so different, and offers hope for restoring our shared humanity. And yet, in spite of our desire to connect, Dr. Murthy found loneliness in the stories of people everywhere and he wanted to know why. He traveled the country and abroad, meeting with doctors, scientists, children, parents, and community members, and looked to the latest science to better understand why people are feeling so disconnected. It's no surprise, that in our increasingly complex world, Murthy found equally complex forces contributing to loneliness. The amazing men's shed project, a non-profit that has spread worldwide with the goal of connecting lonely, retired men with building projects to make them feel connected and useful again. The book looks at the works of Robin Dunbar, who divided our circles of connection into three groups. Our intimate connections are the ones we spend the most time with, and sometimes they're rewarding but often they aren't. Then there's the relational circle, which includes about 150 people of co-workers, extended family, and neighbors- people who you would say hello to on the street and spend small amounts of time with. Then there's the collective circle, that includes anybody else you might know by sight, but not much else, including people like your mailman, folks at church, very extended family members, and people we interact with on a very limited basis. I would add a fourth circle- celebrities and virtual people who we interact with online only, but never meet in reality and get next to no connection value from.

Years later, after having a family of my own, I realized that in my own selfishness and pride, I didn’t appreciate or learn from those shared experiences the valuable opportunities to be together with my family. My dad was trying to teach us all along that only together, we are better. We’re also getting to know our neighbors better and enjoying learning more about their lives and interests since we have all been sheltering-in-place. And my kids love interacting and talking with friends while gaming together, having Netflix movie watch parties online together, and going out for outdoor hikes while social distancing. This was recommended by a facilitator on my employer’s leadership scheme. Rather like that scheme, I’m ambivalent about this book. It is very male. The focus is on men and men’s activity: there is for instance no consideration of e.g. how the England women’s football team has become such a success, having sizeable disadvantages compared to the men’s. Only two activities predominantly associated with women are mentioned: ballet and gymnastics. Both of these are disparaged: the first fir limiting creativity in favour of conformity (through discussions primarily of men’s experience) and the second fir bullying. I’m not saying those things are not true: however I would dispute categorically the impression that these features are limited to female-associated activities, and I would also question whether men are the ones primarily or exclusively damaged. That his 6-year-old daughter did not enjoy her ballet classes is not reason to condemn a whole art form anymore that a friend’s son’s bad experience at junior county level sport means that sport has no value either. Just a smidgeon more self-awareness of the banal limitations of statements such as ‘women do more team-building with conversation’ would have been good too: why is this the case? Essential femininity? Careful socialisation? Is there anything men’s teams might care to learn from that? In BELONGING Owen Eastwood reveals, for the first time, the ethos that has made him one of the most in-demand Performance Coaches in the world. Drawing on his own Maori ancestry, Owen weaves together insights from homo sapiens' evolutionary story and our collective wisdom. He shines a light on where these powerful ideas are applied around the world in high-performing settings encompassing sport, business, the arts and military. This induction is the most critical time as an individual is most open to this new experience - our first experiences have a long-lasting impact on our sense of being part of this team.