Too Much: the hilarious, heartfelt memoir

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Clearly the book was a cathartic process for the author and having the opportunity to write a book looking at his relationship with his Dad is a lovely thing to do. It was an almost jarring experience listening to the audio version of this book. Tom is so incredibly charasmatic, his delivery always hitting the right notes and it almost ran counter to the subtlety of the sentiments of Tom working his way through his grief over the loss of his father. What I realised though was that *that* was absolutely the point. Living with his father, learning from his father, still hearing the echo of his voice laid down some of the core foundations that made Tom the man that he is today. An extraordinary portrait of a son navigating his way through grief and loss in real time. Funny, candid, and measured' GRAHAM NORTON I recognised the parallels and found myself laughing at Tom's descriptions, the weird and the wonderful, the happy and sad, a recollection of moments; some far from perfect but always bound by love.

It was worth continuing...the audio book is read by Tom, and although 'performed' (it is typically Tom Allen, which is a joy), his reading adds to its authenticity, nuanced with gentle inflexion.Ultimately, this is eulogy, but one that is honest and forthright. Allen reflects on his father's attitudes and behaviours have shaped him, how the parent and child relationship evolves (while in some ways remains the same) and how life goes on....while keeping the memory of loved ones alive. At the start of 2021, all was going blissfully well for Tom Allen. He'd recently moved into his own house, he was in his first serious relationship, and at last felt like a proper adult. Life was still constricted by the necessity of staying safe from Covid, but he was happy and contented. And then in late 2021 Tom's father died unexpectedly, and everything changed. Tom’s dad was an avid gardener and tried to teach him a thing or too, which Tom was never too keen on. But when his dad died, Tom turned to gardening to deal with his grief and wished he’d paid more attention to his dad’s lessons. This resonates with me so much, as this was also me and my mum: The idea of “too much” takes on several meanings. “Dad and I were very different and at times I worried I could be too much for him,” Allen begins. “For example, I was brought up to resist any unnecessary dramatics. For my parents, this was an uphill struggle.” Elsewhere, it feels “too much” to ask straight friends to go with him to a gay bar. He worries that “if I started living my life too much, there would be a price to pay”. No favour was ever “too much” for his dad. His loss is “too much to understand”.

When Tom Allen’s first memoir, No Shame, was published in 2020, he was 37, permanently single and living at home with his parents in Bromley. Two years on, circumstances have changed. Allen has a boyfriend and a house of his own, minutes away from the family home, but his dad died suddenly at the end of 2021. Too Much is his attempt to face that loss, come to terms with their imperfect relationship and learn how to be an adult now his much-loved role model is gone. Fans of his arch and cutting comedy might be surprised to find that the book is heartfelt, vulnerable and touchingly sincere. Tom Allen’s Dad is correct: You can never have TOO MUCH love. This book is a humorous and loving reflection on grief. There is comedy as well as pathos, much of it focusing on Allen’s conflicting desperation both to fit in and to be special. Occasionally, self-deprecation crosses into self‑flagellation, and some of his analysis is painful to read. He has a perfectionist’s eye (and an obsession with interior design) and is expert at skewering the banality of grief – such as when a funeral home “resembled less a threshold between this life and the next and more a conference suite … the sort of space a local accountancy firm might hold its quarterly meetings”. Chapter 9 - “Losing a parent is the moment when you truely become an adult. There are other markers of course, turning 18, living away from home, learning how to drive. But none feel as profound as the moment you realise you no longer have the grown up protection you had when you were a child.”

With moving honesty and wit, Tom writes beautifully about those days, weeks and months following his family's loss, and about how bewildering the practicalities of life can be in the wake of an upheaval - those moments, really, when everything can start to feel a bit too much...