Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way to Stay Calm and in Control in Any Conversation or Situation

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While the question may seem to contradict human nature and maybe even seem like an unrealistic proposition, what makes the difference, David J. Lieberman says, is perspective.

Anger releases a stress hormone called cortisol. Long-term elevated cortisol levels have a detrimental effect on us, both physically and mentally. Specifically, cortisol damages cells in the hippocampus and results in impaired learning. In the short term, cortisol interferes with our ability to think and process information. Or, to put it another way, getting angry actually makes us dumb. Biochemically, anger, as we know, initiates the fight-or-flight response and the production of adrenaline, which reroutes blood flow away from the brain, and with it oxygen, which further muddles our thinking. Various techniques will help us succeed in controlling our anger, but they can’t create awareness. Only the complete recognition of the apparatus—and the foolishness and futility—of anger will organically motivate us to keep our calm. For this reason, the first several sections of this book are descriptive; they explain the psychological dynamics of anger and of human nature. The latter sections are prescriptive, offering a range of psychological tools and techniques to win the ground war. But do not underestimate the power of understanding the enemy, anger. In any anger-provoking situation, we would love to ask ourselves, Why am I really getting angry? But of course, we can’t ask the question because we aren’t thinking; we are only feeling. At that moment, nobody’s home, and this is the fatal flaw in the tradition of anger management. However, when we wholly embrace the answer to this question with every fiber of our being before the situation arises, even when we lose perspective, the truth is baked into our very nature, and a calm and controlled response becomes second nature.

To the extent that we don’t love ourselves, our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes. Who wants to put in effort, enduring heartache and hardship, for someone whom they don’t even like? This mind-set is understandable but quite problematic. When we too often shirk our obligations and shun new opportunities, we lose more than we might imagine. Studies show that our tendency to avoid the pain inherent in taking responsibility for our lives is at the core of anger, and is central to nearly every emotional ailment, including anxiety, depression, and addiction.1 What makes some people able to handle life’s ups and downs, the twists and turns, bumps and bruises with steadfast calm and composure, while others become incensed at the slightest insult, fall apart when facing a minor frustration, and blow out of proportion a mild disappointment? Renowned psychologist Dr. Nathaniel Branden wrote about a woman he once treated who grew up thinking she was “bad” and undeserving of kindness, respect, or happiness. Predictably, she married a man who “knew” he was unlovable and felt consumed by self-hatred. He protected himself by acting cruelly toward others before they could be cruel to him. She didn’t complain about his abuse because she “knew” that abuse was her destiny. He wasn’t surprised by her increasing withdrawal and remoteness from him, because he “knew” no one could ever love him. They endured twenty years of torture together, proving how right they were about themselves and about life.3

In his new book, Never Get Angry Again: The Foolproof Way To Stay Calm and Cool In Any Conversation or Situation, Lieberman, who is also the author of Get Anyone To Do Anything and Never Be Lied To Again, explains that by recognizing the underlying reasons we get angry, we can learn how to utilize our innate neuroplasticity to rewire our brains toward a state of calm.Lieberman writes, “When we routinely succumb to immediate gratification or live to protect and project an image, we become angry with ourselves and ultimately feel empty inside.” Let’s look at this another way: Have you ever tried to have a pleasant conversation with someone you didn’t like? Or to spend an hour or entire day with someone who gets on your nerves? It’s almost painful. What if you lived with that person—and that person happened to be you? Everything in life is draining for the person who doesn’t like who he has become. It’s like working for a boss we despise; even the most minor task triggers annoyance. Would we work hard for or invest in—let alone love and respect—an ungrateful, out-of-control person? You might try to quiet or distract him with pointless pursuits or endless entertainment, or even help him to get lost in a haze of abusive behaviors—as long as you don’t have to face him, much less help him. Despair and disorganization: We may find ourselves questioning and feeling angry in this phase. The realization that our loved one is not returning feels real, and we can have a difficult time understanding or finding hope in our future. We may feel a bit aimless during this portion of the grieving process and retreat from others as we process our pain. Has some religiosity that I found annoying. Mostly in chs. 11-13. But threaded throughout the book. We gain self-esteem only when we make responsible choices and do what is right—this is a soul-oriented (moral or conscience) choice. Indeed, this is how self-esteem and self-control are intertwined. Emotional freedom doesn’t mean doing whatever we feel like doing; rather, it is doing what we truly want to do, despite our desires at the moment. Imagine being on a diet and suddenly feeling the urge to eat a piece of chocolate. We fight the temptation but eventually give in. Is this freedom or slavery? We felt like eating a piece of chocolate, and we did it. Did we like how we felt afterward? When we choose responsibly, we exercise self-control and increase our self-esteem.

The intricacies of anger are often simplified to the point of being incomplete. To say that we become angry because we are scared or in pain is like saying that a lamp works because the light switch is flipped on—true enough, but the underlying connection, electricity, is left out of the equation. When we can separate our needs for approval, respect, and admiration, we are free to choose our own reality. “When someone acts rudely toward us, it doesn’t mean anything. This person’s words or deeds cause us to feel bad about ourselves because of our self-image,” writes Lieberman.When, through our choices and life decisions, we don’t like who we have become, we often seek to escape our feelings through excessive behaviors, endless entertainment, and even abusive behaviors. Eventually, as Lieberman writes, “our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes.” One of the points that Liberman put out that I really liked were 5 steps that were most useful in dealing with anger: