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Heathers the Musical

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Voice: baritone/tenor, power Country/Gospel belt to A♭, higher welcome. NOTE: Sometimes this actor has played PRINCIPAL GOWAN instead of BIG BUD / COACH.

BOY 1: BELEAGUERED GEEK – (16-18) An embittered social outcast. Voice: baritone (up to F#) or tenor (up to A). Age of Aquarius reaches Ohio. Resentful of today’s entitled youth, protective of the underdogs. Despite a penchant for self-promotion, genuinely cares about the students in her charge. BIG BUD DEAN - JD's single Dad. Big jolly personality that barely conceals the enormous rage bubbling just below the surface. Quite possibly a serial bomber. Kurt and Ram take turns chugging from the bottle. They will protect you, Defend you, Respect you, Befriend you­ Like Winnie­the­Pooh! Heathers: W innie­the­Pooh! Baby, baby, baby, they're so blue! My balls will work for you­ Heathers, Kurt: T hey will obey ya! They really need rescue­ Heathers, Kurt: L ike Princess Leia! Kurt, Ram: B aby, you gots to come through. Teach them to smile! You got no clue, How much these two, Depend on you! Kurt, Ram: P lease help them through! Heathers, Kurt, Ram: M y balls are in your court! Kurt, Ram: Y eah, yeah! You make my balls so blue! Heathers: Y ou make my balls so blue! Kurt, Ram: Y ou make my balls so blue! Good God! My balls! You make my balls so blue!We're not special. We're not different. We don't choose who lives or dies. Let's be normal. See bad movies, Sneak a beer and watch TV. We'll bake brownies, Or go bowling, Don't you want a life with me? Can't we be seventeen? That's all I want to do. If you could let me in, I could be good with you. People hurt us, Or they vanish. And you're right, it really blows. But we let go, Take a deep breath, And go buy some summer clothes. We'll go camping, Play some poker, And we'll eat some chili fries. JD turns and looks at Veronica, who holds out a hand to him. Maybe prom night? Maybe dancing? Don't stop looking in my eyes. Your eyes. JD starts walking towards Veronica. JD, Veronica: C an't we be seventeen? Is that so hard to do? If you could let me in, I could be good with you. JD takes Veronica's hand.

Heathers: Woah! Or forget the creep, And get in my jeep. Let’s go tear up someone’s lawn! Heather D hands the note to Martha. Heathers: W oah! Woah! Woah! Honey, whatchu waitin’ for? Welcome to my candy store. You just gotta prove, You’re not a pussy anymore. Then step into my candy store! You can join the team­ Heather D, Heather M: ­ or you can bitch and moan. You can live the dream­ Heather D, Heather M: ­or you can die alone! You can fly with eagles, Heathers: Or if you prefer, Keep on testing me­ Heather D, Heather M: And end up like her! Martha walks over to Veronica. Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming party. See, I told you there was still something there! This proves he’s been thinking about me. …Color me stoked. I’m so happy! Heathers: Woah! Honey, whachu waiting fo­ MS. FLEMING - Aging hippie teacher, still yearning for the day the Age of Aquarius reaches Ohio. Hungry for the spotlight, resentful of entitled youth. JASON “J.D.” DEAN – (17) Darkly charismatic, compelling, attractive. Charming on the outside, damaged on the inside. Keen smarts, savage wit. Voice: strong, confident belt to at least an A♭, A preferable; wide emotional range. Speaking to Interview magazine in 2016, Winona Ryder revealed that they almost didn't cast her: "They thought I wasn't pretty enough," she said. "They were trying to get Jennifer Connelly." Ryder, who was 16 during the shoot, had to beg to be chosen ahead of Connelly and Family Ties' Justine Bateman.there’s a river of pressure that keeps building up and it really hurts! I mean, it’s science, y’know? HEATHER CHANDLER - 17. Richest, hottest, most magnetic, cruelest girl in town. Relishes power and wields it like a scalpel - no fear, no patience, no mercy. ISBN978-0-573-70382-9 www.SamuelFrench.com www.SamuelFrench-London.co.uk FOR PRODUCTION ENQ.UIRIES UNITED STATES AND CANADA

BOY 2: PREPPY STUD – (16-18) Straightlaced, ambitious, blow-dried. Dreams of being even richer than his parents. Voice: bass (up to E) or baritone (up to G#). Voice: Strong belt to F or higher preferred. Mezzo for chorus. Note: In certain choral songs, Chandler can switch parts with her other Heathers as needed. Boy 3: I don’t want trouble. You’re gonna die at 3 PM. Girl 1: D on’t you dare touch me! Girl 3: Get away, pervert! Boy 3: What did I ever do to them? Students: W ho could survive this? I can’t escape this! I think I’m dying! Ms. Fleming: W ho’s that with Heather? Students: Woah. Heather, Heather, Heather… Heather D enters. Girl 3: … And someone! Students: H eather, Heather, Heather… Heather M enters. …And a babe! Heather C enters. Students: H eather, Heather, Heather… …Veronica? Students: V eronica, Veronica, Veronica! Veronica runs on­stage. And you know, you know, you know, Life can be­ All: ­ beautiful. You hope, you dream, you pray, And you get your way!

This is an excellent forgery. Who are you? Uh, Veronica. Sawyer. I, um­ I crave a boon. What boon? Um, let me sit at your table at lunch, just once. No talking necessary. If people think that you guys tolerate me, then they’ll leave me alone. The Heathers laugh. Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes. How about prescriptions? Shut up, Heather! Sorry, Heather. For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure. And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I’d have matching halves. That’s very important. Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds. And, you know, you know, you know, This could be beautiful. Mascara, maybe some lip gloss, And we’re on our way. Get this girl some blush, And, Heather, I need your brush. Let’s make her beautiful. Let’s make her beautiful. Let’s make her beautiful. Make her beautiful! Okay? Okay! The Heathers and Veronica exit. Out of my way, geek. JD - 17. he is darkly charismatic, compelling, attractive, charming on the outside yet very damaged on the inside. Keen smarts and strong inventive comedy. I'm hugging my knees, And the captain is pointing. Well, who made her captain? Still, the weakest must go. The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know. The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know. What's your damage, Heather? Are you saying Westerburg is not a nice place? Ms. Fleming: Heather! Where's your school spirit? You don't deserve to wear our school colors. The students close in on Heather M, and Ms. Fleming tries to push Heather Duke away. Ms. Fleming: Let’s not be mean spirited­ Why don't you hop in your little lifeboat and catch a gnarly wave over to Remington? Ms. Fleming: Alright, alright, calm it down… Girl 1: Aw, Heather's going to cry. Heather M runs off stage. Ms. Fleming: Young lady, you are suspended! Turn the cameras off. Turn them off, goddamnit. Is that all you care about? TV cameras? JD enters. Ms. Fleming: I care about saving lives! Heather Duke ruined a valuable teaching! Valuable? None of us want this spectacle, to be experimented on like guinea pigs and patronized like bunny rabbits! Heather C enters (only visible/audible to Veronica). Ms. Fleming: I don't patronize bunny rabbits! This is their big secret Veronica, the adults are powerless. Heather trusted you. You said that you would protect her. They can't help us. Nobody can help us. Shipped with (or after) Rehearsal Material. This must be hired as a condition of the License to produce this show.

Shut up, Heather! Sorry, Heather. JD enters. Heather Chandler is gone… It’s up to me to replace her. Replace Heather Chandler? Please. You need to worry less about me, and more about your reputation. Kurt and Ram have been telling the whole school about your little threeway last night. Threeway? Oh… But there was no threeway, nothing happened. I remember differently. I seem to remember there was a­ Kurt, Ram, and another student enter. Kurt, Ram: Big swordfight in her mouth! Boy 1: And she allowed it? Kurt, Ram: Big swordfight in her mouth! Heather D, Heather M: I t sure sounds crowded! And then we both went south, And planted our flags, My big salami, Kurt, Ram: Ba­bent her over like origami! More students enter. Students: W hoa­oh­oh! Whoa­oh­oh! Whoa­oh­oh! Whoa­oh­oh! Everybody was sword fighting, In her mouth! Yes, we're convinced it, Went down right in her mouth! If you have obtained performance lights to this title, please refer to your licensing agreement for important billing and credit requirements. KURT'S DAD - Straight-laced, very conservative, also former football player. A simple guy, not book smart, you'd be happy to share a beer with him. Elsewhere, rumours destroy reputations overnight, a plot device that works even better re-watched from the internet age. Final scenes include JD detonating a suicide bomber vest. That’s still marginally milder than the alternate ending in which the entire school blows up and they all go to prom, as social equals, in heaven. Or the unfilmed scene that would have seen Martha stab Veronica and call her Heather, leaving Veronica to gasp her dying words: “My name’s not Heather, you bitch!” YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE (GIRL 3) - A tennis-playing, uptight Student Council type. Voice: Belt to at least C# (Soprano up to high A/B is also a plus).Removal of curse words as well as onstage smoking, drinking and R-rated sexual scenes (note: there are still PG-13 sexual scenes). MS. FLEMING - Aging hippie teacher, still yearning for the day the Age of Aquarius reaches Ohio. Hungry for the spotlight, resentful of entitled youth. Aging hippie teacher, still yearning for the day the Age of Aquarius reaches Ohio. Hungry for the spotlight, resentful of entitled youth.

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